


Fly

by SweetHavok



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: depressed reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 07:26:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11203236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetHavok/pseuds/SweetHavok
Summary: Pure angst. Seriously, if you’re in a bad space, DON’T READ THIS. I REPEAT. IF YOU ARE IN A BAD SPACE OR EASILY TRIGGERED... DO. NOT. READ. THIS.WARNINGS: depression, self-hatred, self-harm, and suicide.





	Fly

The mission had failed. Horribly. There had been no survivors. It was all your fault. The mission had been fairly simple: infiltrate the Hydra base and rescue the two dozen kidnapped scientists and civilians. In the beginning, everything had gone according to plan: Steve and Bucky had been paired up, followed by the twins, then Clint and Natasha, which left you with Tony. Pietro and Wanda were supposed to create a distraction while Clint and Natasha disabled security, allowing the rest of you to take out Hydra agents while simultaneously rescuing the others.

That plan did not happen.

As you had begun closing in on the base, you had made a careless mistake. You allowed yourself to be seen. The guard shouted, and soon the area was swarming with enemy agents. Immediately, the team began to take the offensive. Bucky and Steve had charged straight through to go rescue the targets, while the twins covered their backs. Natasha and Clint had settled into the familiar dance of executing the enemy. Tony had gone into the air to take out the heavy weaponry. Desperate, you had gone after Steve and Bucky, using your pyrokinesis to blast your way through left behind enemies. All you had been able to hear was the sound of your pulse pounding in your ears as you sprinted towards the back of the base. You had memorized this very path when you had been briefed. You grew closer, and your senses doubled. You heard gunfire and metal clanging together ahead, and you knew that the super soldiers were entangled in battle. You could see them ahead; they were just about to break down the door. But before you could reach them, you heard a crack and a burning pain bloomed through your shoulder. You cried out, grabbing injury and spun around, throwing a barrel of fire at the offender. The Hydra agent screaming shrilly, paired with the crackling and popping of burning skin. The smell of burnt flesh invaded your nose and ignored the nausea churning your stomach as you continued. When you noticed the silence, you knew instantly something was wrong. Your running slowed to a crawl and soon you were stopped in the doorway of the room where the hostages were being held. You frowned, straining to hear a sign of anything. Suddenly, Bucky walked out, his jaw so tense that you could see a vein pulsing. His blue eyes steeled as as he lifted a hand to activate the com device in his ear.

“They’re dead,” Bucky said flatly before pushing his way past you. Your heart skipped a beat and your stomach dropped. Steve walked out silently, glancing at you painfully before looking away and following in his best friend’s footsteps. You lifted your gaze to the scene in front you and gasped sharply. There were bodies everywhere. You couldn’t look away. Seeing the male scientists and civilians closest to the door, it was easy to deduce that they had been protecting the women... You saw a tiny hand sticking out from beneath a woman’s body and the bile rose in your throat. A child. They fucking kidnapped kids. You stood there, the scene burning itself into your memory as hot tears rolled down your cheeks. 

“Y/N.” Clint said quietly; you hadn’t even noticed him approaching you. “It’s time to go.” You felt his hand on your shoulder, and he cursed as your blood covered his hand.

“Y/N has been shot, she’ll need medical when we return,” he said. He turned you around and began walking you to the quinjet. Upon arriving and seating yourself, you took in everyone’s positions. Natasha was leaning against Bucky, arms crossed tightly as he leaned his elbows on his knees, dark hair covering his eyes. Steve sat on Bucky’s other side, face buried in his hands. Tony was up front, talking quietly. You knew it had to be to Fury. Looking around, your eyes settled on Clint and the twins, and you flinched. Pietro held a look of pure fury and hatred, while Wanda looked absolutely heartbroken. They knew what it was like to see dead families. They knew the pain. Clint held no expression, keeping everything about him neutral. That was when you knew. You knew your time with Avengers was over.

-

“Y/N, I’m placing you on probation,” Nick Fury said the next day. He watched you from the other side of his desk. He has his fingers steepled together, brows knitted together in a frown. You stared blankly at the official papers in front of you; the ones stating that because of the mission failure due to your mistake, you were no longer allowed to go on missions until further notice. The big glaring red X on the line where you needed to sign was mocking you. You felt so numb.

“Agent Y/L/N, I need you to sign the papers,” Fury said firmly. You nodded once, watching yourself as you lifted the pen and jotted your name down. You pushed the papers towards him and stood up.

“Thank you, Sir,” you murmured. He rose an eyebrow.

“For what? Taking you out of the field?” he asked. You shrugged.

“For everything, Sir. For everything,” you said softly before walking out.

-

As you walked into the community floor to get some water, you heard the others talking quietly on the couches. You paused for a moment, listening.

“She was sloppy,” Bucky snipped, flexing his hands. You could hear the soft humming of his metal arm plates shifting. 

“She didn’t mean to, Buck,” Steve sighed beside him.

“If she had not been so careless, the innocent would not be dead,” the speedster across from them snarled. You didn’t know it was physically possible to feel your heart break.

“Brother, please calm yourself...” Wanda placed her hand on her twin’s shoulder.

“Y/N is a liability,” Tony said matter-of-factly. “Dozens of innocent lives were lost thanks to her.” You waited with bated breath to see if by any chance Natasha or Clint would come to your rescue.

“Your hands aren’t exactly free of blood, Tony,” you heard the red-headed assassin point out. “Your weapons have killed thousands. We’ve all killed someone who wasn’t supposed to die, or did so under duress, at one time or another. I think the only one here who hasn’t is Steve.” Silence fell, and you could feel the tension throughout the room.

“I’m going to go get some sleep,” Clint muttered. You heard his footsteps approaching and you just froze. Did it really matter if he found you? Right as he rounded the corner to the elevator, you gulped and took a step back. He stopped short of of running into you and his eyes widened.

“Y/N, did you--”

“I’m just grabbing some water,” you blurted as you cut him off. You smiled brightly, faking it the best you could. “Later.”

Before he had a chance to reply, you briskly walked past everyone, heading straight for the fridge. You knew everyone’s eyes were trained on you, so you didn’t dare look up lest you accidentally meet a gaze and break down. As you started back to the elevator, there was a blur followed by a gush of window, and Pietro was standing in your way. He stared down at you furiously, and your heart stuttered.

“It is all your fault that they died,” he accused. You stared at him and willed your tears to dry.

“You’re right...” you heard yourself say. “It is my fault. I killed all 26 of those people. Every single man, woman, and ch... child.” His piercing blue eyes were burning a hole into you.

“Do you not feel remorse? Are you so heartless as to not give a damn?!” He shouted now. Wanda and Steve stood up quickly to interfere if needed. You shook your head.

“I do, Pietro... but just because I’m saying anything doesn’t make heartless. In fact, sometimes talking about things only makes it worse,” you said a bit sharply, indicating that you had overheard everyone. You side-stepped the Sokovian man and headed back to your room. Once safely locked inside, you dropped the bottle of water onto your bed and went into your bathroom. You turned the shower on, cranking it all the way to hot, and shrugged off your sweats and t-shirt. As team started to fill the small room, you looked at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes were empty, hair dull and lifeless. The wound on your shoulder had been taken care of so well, it almost looked like you hadn’t been shot.

“It’s entirely my fault,” you whispered to your reflection. “I fucked up. And people are dead because of it. I don’t deserve to be here… while they’re not.”

The condensation slowly creeped across the mirror, obscuring your image, as if meaning to mock your existence and pain. Your face twisted into a grimace and you slammed your fist into the mirror, shattering it. The shards sliced into your knuckles and even down your forearm. It stung and blood quickly beaded into tiny rivulets, dropping onto the porcelain of the sink below. Your dam broke, and you immediately fell to your knees onto the tile, sobbing. How had you screwed up so badly? How could you have been so careless as to not watch your step?

Your teammates’ words echoed in your head like a broken record.

“She was sloppy.”

“If she had not been so careless, the innocent would not be dead.”

“Y/N is a liability. Dozens of innocent lives were lost thanks to her.”

“It is all your fault that they died. Do you not feel remorse? Are you so heartless as to not give a damn?!”

Truth be told, you cared too much. The guilt was overwhelming. You couldn’t stand it. With tears blurring your vision, you shakily grabbed a large jagged shard of the broken mirror, and stared at it. Slowly picking yourself up from your knees, you took yourself into the shower. The second you stepped under the spray, your skin turned red, but you didn’t feel anything at this point. You sat down with your back against the tile and took a deep breath. Your body didn’t even register the pain of the broken mirror slicing into your arms. You felt the piece drop to the floor of the shower, arms soon following. You leaned your head back against the wall and stared at the steam as it swirled around above you; you were already starting to feel light-headed. You vaguely heard F.R.I.D.A.Y. informing you that everyone had be alerted to your current status. But you knew that they wouldn’t reach you in time. Closing your eyes, you began to sing softly.

“I wish that I could fly, way up in the sky. Like a bird so high… oh I might just try…”


End file.
